Today I’m getting through the suffering a minute at a time. The Buddha told us that the first Noble Truth is: “There is suffering.” That is as true as it gets in the greater world and in my personal world right now.
The second Noble Truth is that there is a cause for suffering. In my case, the suffering is caused by the dose dense chemo I’m currently on. The end of the suffering, hopefully, comes after I rebound from the fourth dose I’ll receive this week. Then I go on to another protocol and different side effects, though I’m told they’ll be less severe. (And before you ask, no this isn’t the point of the second Noble Truth, but I like to try to apply spiritual practice to everything.)
I know that I’ve been a little snappy with my son, but I can’t explain to him what’s happening to my body. I’m just starting to keep to myself a little more as I deal with this. Parts of my body itch with an intensity that is tearing me apart. Parts of my body ache. All of it feels tired. I don’t want to snap at him, so I am keeping myself otherwise occupied, as I can.
I’m washing some strawberries at the moment to make a refrigerator cake. When that’s done, I will run some more laundry, trying to eke a few more loads out of the machine that is dying. Another one is on order but we don’t know when it will be delivered yet. After that, I need to tidy my room, although it’s awfully hard to make it the inviting space I want when every surface seems to be covered with pill bottles (some to manage the side effects of chemo, some to manage the side effects from THOSE drugs) or reading material or hard candy to keep my mouth moist.
The making of the cake will require me to clean up the kitchen, which he said he cleaned up last night so I’d have room to work, but then breakfast happened. It’s normal stuff, but the normal stuff is so much harder to deal with when your body just wants to quit. Every movement today reminds me of how much I’ve been through already, and we’re still at the beginning.
I know that this too shall pass. I know that better days are ahead for me, but first, some of them will suck. Good thing I have that stack of reading material.
Have a good Sunday. Hug your loved ones.
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