Poetic License

Ah, dolce far niente. The sweetness of doing nothing.

I’ve been on staycation since Friday afternoon, and although it has taken me some time and I haven’t exactly been idle, I feel so much better, less tight in the shoulders. My pain is lessened because I’m not sitting at a desk for 8-10 hours a day. On the second day of vacation, I woke up at 9:30 and immediately said, “I’m so tired,” before my eyes were even open. I think it’s become my default setting in the last couple of years, that bone-deep fatigue. I’m tired. Tired of waking up early (usually between 6:00 and 6:30), tired of getting right into meetings, tired of being tired.

When I realized I wasn’t getting up that morning to work, I still went into second gear, doing chores. Looking around today, 4 days later, it again looks like a bomb went off, because I have pets who like to play. Adele’s toys never stay in the toy bin, and she is right now lying by my feet, waiting to see if I will play tug-of-war with her. She will be ready with one of her flat squeaky toys.

By yesterday, I was completely relaxed. No more waking up with, “I’m so tired!” on my lips. I’ve allowed myself to sleep later and do whatever strikes me at the moment. It’s a contrast to the Saturdays I’ve had over the last year, where I alternate chores with naps in order to recover from the week. I was never this bad before. But things have really changed at work. It’s sad, and so many good people have left.

Yesterday, we went to the Carolina Arcade Museum, which is mostly just an old-fashioned arcade. My ex-husband is in town, seeing our son for his birthday, so we all piled into my car and headed to Forest City, about 20 minutes from here. First we got a bite to eat at Hoot Nannies, and then we went and played games for a couple of hours. After that, we drove over to Scoops for ice cream.

It was a change in plans. We were supposed to drive up to Asheville yesterday, but two of us (guess which two) weren’t feeling up to all of the driving around and the walking. Too bad, because it was 75 degrees and sunny there. But Sean and I are planning a weekend trip up there soon. I had been hoping the two dogs would get along so we could leave them together, but they are both females. Adele was not happy about this little bulldog challenging her, sniffing her, and just getting too close. I’ve never seen her act that way with another dog, but then again, Harper is used to pushing her big brother Oliver around. If she does that to a 100-lb Golden Retriever, Adele is no match. And Adele wasn’t having it. There were growls and nips, with Adele curling up in one of our laps to get some peace. So no, I didn’t feel comfortable leaving them alone in one of our houses. We left them where they were: Harper at Sean’s house, and Adele at mine.

Today my son and I got our wires crossed. He thought we were going to breakfast; I thought we were just doing dinner tonight (for his birthday). So I’m still sitting here in my pajamas, sipping my final cup of coffee for the day. Later I’m taking dinner fixings over to his house to cook for his dad and for him. We’ll have ice cream for his birthday, because he didn’t want me to make a cake this year. He’s trying to lose a few pounds, so I’ll be cooking something healthy, making a big salad, and then topping it off with a little bit of sweetness with the ice cream. Okay, so it isn’t perfect, but it’s what he wanted.

For the rest of my vacation, I’m taking some time to work on the book. It’s very hard for me to focus when I am trying to pack in all the things I’d like to do during my downtime. But I’ve let my son know that the next two days are just for me. I’ll see him on Sunday. I’ll probably take him to dinner so neither of us have to cook the night before we return to work.

While I’m not exactly “doing nothing,” I am doing what I want to do and not what’s in any job description, or in “other duties as assigned.” This is what life should be. I’m trying not to think about the end of the vacation or the return to the madness at work. My boss gave me my mid-year review (a good one) before I left, but he said he would “circle back” with me to talk more about it when I’m back from vacation. He didn’t want to give me anything to mull over on my time off. It’s no secret to him that I’m burned out. I know I haven’t been perfect this year. I’ve sniped at a couple of people. I’ve criticized. That isn’t like me. It’s the pressure of doing “more with less” when I’ve been doing so much more than my job all this time. I’m trying not to think about it too much. This week doesn’t belong to the company.

I’ve been checking my accounts, and while I’m not wealthy – not by a long shot – I am contributing 10% of my income to my 401k (and getting the sad little pittance of an employer match) and putting the maximum into my IRA for the tax deduction. I bought a house, rather than rent one, when I moved to my new area – again for tax purposes. It’s a good thing I did, because rents have soared around here since the beginning of the pandemic. More people like my son and me can live in smaller towns and work for companies in big cities. We can control our monthly outlay of cash by owning rather than renting. I hope to never again be at the mercy of a landlord, who can raise the rent at the whims of the market.

For now, it’s a chess game. Can I last a little longer, to see if the company is sold or goes public? Can that be my exit strategy? If things go further south at work, I might choose to exit before that, though I’m fully vested. Should I buy my options now? That would mean I’d still be a shareholder after I leave. What I do know is that I need to find the light at the end of the tunnel. I need to see the end of my work life in corporate America. It served its purpose. It paid the bills. But I want to live before I die. I want to get back to writing. I want to get back to me.

I hope you have a good rest of your week. I certainly will.

Namaste, Jude